KINK-ology
Anal Sex Primer

Anal sex can be a pleasurable experience for givers and receivers.  Erotic media is not a good example of how to begin having anal sex because the depiction often begins in the middle.  However, anal sex is a process that begins with preparing yourself physically and mentally in order to avoid trauma of any kind.  It is a process that will require patience.

Pre-Preparation

Preparation for anal sex begins long before the moment you’re ready for penetration.  If you are interested in receiving anal sex, begin by incorporating anal stimulation into your masturbatory acts.  Learning what feels good to you makes it easier to communicate that information to your partner.  Anal “training” or acclimating your anus and associated muscles to the sensation of penetration can be done with a variety of sex toys, particularly anal beads or anal plugs.  Remember, this is a process.

Tip: Make sure any toy used in the anus has a flanged base.

Preparation

Choose a moment when you have plenty of time and few stressors.  Immediate preparation for your session of sexy fun time may include an enema.  (More on those in another post.)  You will also want to gather all your materials: safer sex barriers, toys, lubricants, baby wipes etc. 

Tip: Avoid lubes that “desensitize” the anus.  They make it hard to feel if you’re being injured.

Warm-Up

Begin with plenty of foreplay - the more relaxed a person is, the easier penetration will be.  After partners are aroused, begin by stimulating the area around the anus slowly.  Gentle, easy penetration with a well lubricated finger or small toys will help the sphincter muscles relax.  Slowly add more fingers and/or larger toys by checking in with your partner, adding lube and then adding the finger or item.

Penetration

When both partners are ready, find a comfortable position and begin penetration by applying pressure to the outside of the anus.  Push gently inside using plenty of lube.  Once a small portion has been inserted - stop.  Allow the receptive partner to relax.  Either partner can control further insertion.  Begin by thrusting slowly and angle toward the front of the body in order to stimulate the prostate or G-spot. From here, figure out what feels good and do that.

Tip: Never pull out quickly.  It is possible to tear delicate skin and muscles.

There’s a lot to learn about anal sex; this is only a primer.  I recommend:

  • The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino
  • The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men by Bill Brent

Wield it Wednesdays focus on technique or technical aspects of play.

What is Pegging?

Pegging* is the act of having anal sex where a partner is penetrated using a strap-on dildo.  For a successful pegging experience:

Find the right harness.  For the penetrating partner, a harness should fit snuggly (but not too tightly) and comfortably.  Make sure the harness fits in a way that provides the best control of the dildo.  Harnesses come in a variety of styles and materials so it may take a few attempts to find the best one for you.  Be aware of what is at the base of the dildo, for example some harnesses use a hard plastic ring to secure the dildo, however this may be uncomfortable for the receptive partner.

Find the right dildo.  The size and shape of the dildo should reflect the desire and experience of the receptive partner.  You may also want to consider how the dildo will stimulate the penetrating partner.  Much like harnesses, dildos come in a variety of styles and materials.  Make sure the dildo is not made of a material either partner is allergic to.  Try to find a dildo that will stimulate the area of the body that will provide the most pleasure.

Find the right lube. Make sure your lube will not degrade the condom or dildo you are using or irritate either partner.  You may try a lube that is designed for anal sex, it will typically last longer.  Use your lube of choice liberally!

For more about anal sex, check back later this week!

*This terminology is typically used when the receptive partner is a cis-man and the penetrating partner is a cis-woman. However, there are no hard and fast rules for sex, gender or the use of this term.

Moniker Monday is designed to enhance your kinky vocabulary by answering the question, “What is….?”

Consent 102: Negotiation and Limits

We’ve defined consent as an active, informed and meaningful agreement or approval of certain activities.  For more see Consent 101.

Negotiation

In a kinky context, consent is usually reached through the process of negotiation - essentially a conversation about what will and will not happen in a scene or relationship.  The primary goal of negotiation is to design a mutually satisfying arrangement for everyone involved.   Negotiation should happen before a scene begins because negotiation during a scene may not lead to meaningful consent.  Some parameters to negotiate include: activities, physical and emotional limits, leaving marks, time limits, safewords/signs, follow-up and aftercare requirements.  Negotiation is not an opportunity to coerce someone into engaging in behavior that is outside their hard or soft limits.

Soft limits are activities one does not generally agree to but may engage in given certain circumstances - a particular mood or a certain person.  This may also refer to what a person usually requires but at times are willing to forgo.

Hard limits are activities one does not engage in regardless of context.  These limits are sometimes referred to as “deal-breakers.”  This may also refer to requirement limits or “must-haves.”

Pushing someone to bend or break limits constitutes coercion and does not lead to meaningful consent if the person concedes.  Limits can change at anytime just like consent can be revoked at any time.  Just because an activity was negotiated does not mean a player must participate when the moment arrives.  In a scene, consent is revoked by using a safeword or safesign.

It’s Safety Sunday.  Be safe! Have fun!

Smart is Sexy Saturday: Body Positive

"Here it is: stop putting your life on hold.

This is the central message of size acceptance philosophy and the central message of this book.  Accepting that you’re fat doesn’t mean giving up or giving in; it just means accepting that this is the body you’ve got.  You’re fat, and that’s not the end of the world.  Life goes on.  As you may have already noticed, it’s not as if your life has actually stopped happening just because you’re fat.  So you  might as well live it in the way you want to.  Wear that sexy outfit.  Try that enticing sex toy.  Ask that hot person out on a date.  Try getting on top.  Go out with your friends to that dance club.  Tell your partner about your fantasy.  Put up that online personal ad.  Whatever it is that you’ve been wanting to do, give it a whirl.  Why wait?”

-Hanne Blank Big Big Love

Our philosophy at Kinkology is that all bodies are good bodies.  So, whether you are thin, thick, apple or pear your shape does not have to impede your journey to sexual fulfillment. 

Paraphilia Friday: Acousticophilia

Acousticophilia is sexual arousal from certain sounds; this can be music, the particular timbre of a voice, or what we like to call the soothing sounds of the dungeon- screaming, slapping, industrial music and sex. 

Sounds can add a certain ambiance or an interesting dynamic to your sexy fun time.  Are you doing a roll play?  Create a disc of sound effects that help set the mood.  Design a playlist of songs that really get you going - make it smooth and soft for sensual romantic moments or full of bass for something more primal.  Whatever your pleasure, there may be a sound for you.

Classism and Kink

Tough Love Thursdays address real issues facing alternative sexuality communities.  These can be external pressures or internal struggles - not for the faint of heart.

For the last few TLTs we’ve talked about becoming better allies in and out of kink community.  It does us no harm to recognize that alternative sexuality communities are not exempt from perpetuating greater cultural dynamics of racism, sexism, ableism, etc.  In fact, we can grow as a community when we remove barriers for participation and encourage diversity, equality and justice. 

Classism

Classism is a system of oppression, prejudice and discrimination based on social or economic status perpetuated through individual behaviors as well as systemic policies.  Classism ranks people based on economic status, level of education and access to resources; the system preferences middle and owning classes to poor and working classes.  Classism is inextricably linked to racism, sexism, ableism and heteronormativity. 

Classism and Kink

So, how do our communities perpetuate classism and what do we do about it?  A few ideas:

  • High cost to participate.  I’ve only ever encountered one party that cost less than $20 to enter. Is that price about maintaining the play space or is it about making money?  If it’s the latter, it’s time to create a sliding scale for entry.  What about your local conference?  Is there room to lower the package price?  Can you create an option for people to volunteer in exchange for entry?  What about day passes?  Also, make sure your munch locations are reasonably priced.
  • Access to education and information.  There is not necessarily one true way to be kinky.  However, I stand by my belief that some practices are safer than others.  Are there ways we can create free access to that information?  What happened to mentoring?  Can some education be free at events?  Can we create access to keynote speeches without additional cost to the attendee?
  • Dress codes. What are the requirements to get into your party?  Do you have to come in fetish wear?  If so, you are excluding an entire part of the community that can’t afford the ever increasing cost of kinky gear.
  • My toy bag’s bigger than yours.  Owning all the toys in the world, doesn’t mean you know how to use them.  Are we judging participants by how many floggers they own and how expensive they look?  A $5 foam bat or a recycled ping pong paddle wielded with care can be more impressive and genuine than all the other toys in the chest.
  • FetLife.  The digital divide still exists and many people don’t have the resources, time or money, to participate in online community.  It is not okay to judge someone because they don’t.  It is also a good idea to find event advertisement opportunities that are not on the web.

This merely scratches the surface of these dynamics.  Good allies make an effort to learn and I would encourage everyone to gain their own deeper understanding by exploring how classism functions.

The Fisting Hand Part 3: Sensation

You gathered your safety materials and washed your hands: The Fisting Hand Part 1: Preparation

There was plenty of foreplay, then you to slowly and gently inserted your fist: The Fisting Hand Part 2: Insertion

Now, what happens next? Whatever you do, add more lube!  Also, keep your motions small and understated; your partner can probably feel every little thing you do very intensely.  Here are some other ideas:

  • You can start by slowly and gently rocking your fist back and forth.
  • Try clenching and unclenching your hand like you’re squeezing something very small.
  • While rocking your hand back and forth you can add a twisting motion, much like the motion you would make while using a screwdriver.
  • Move your fingers like you’re playing a tiny piano in the palm of your hand.
  • You can also move your hand in and out, but make sure they are very short strokes unless you and your partner are very experienced.
  • Sometimes you can just let your fist sit inside your partner while they “finish” with some other form of stimulation.

Remember to continually add lube and check in often with your partner to find out what feels best.  If your partner has an orgasm, it will feel very intense for both of you.  The fister may feel some discomfort in their hand, but the squeezing will not last for long.  Whatever you do, don’t yank your hand from your partner at any point in the process because it is possible to tear delicate lining and muscles.

Now that you have reached the denouement and your partner is ready, it is time to remove your hand… and that’s another post!

What is Mummification?

Mummification is a type of bondage where a bottom is immobilized by being wrapped from head/neck to toe in a material.  Most commonly mummification is done with pallet wrap, however the affect can also be achieved with duct tape, bandages, rubber, cloth or a body bag.  A scene can involve allowing the bottom to simply enjoy the sensory deprivation of the mummification or it can be partnered with other sensations before or during release.

Notes

  • Mummified bottoms should be well hydrated before, during and after mummification.  The bindings often create heat and cause the bottom to sweat and lose moisture.  
  • Any tape used in a mummification should be placed over another material to avoid skin and hair loss.
  • Be aware of where joints touch each other as a bottom is mummified.  Cushion areas where joints meet and may rub or bruise each other such as between the knees and ankles.
  • Provide support for the bottom to ensure they do not fall.  They generally will not be able to balance to stand when bound.
  • Paramedic scissors allow one to release a mummified person quickly without the risk of cutting them.
  • When you unbind your mummy, they will often get very cold, very quickly.  Keep a blanket or towels near.

All other bondage rules apply: Basic Bondage Safety.

Consent 101

Consent is, generally, explicitly expressed agreement or approval of an activity.  This agreement can be withdrawn at any time.  Consent to sexual activity, including kink, must meet the following criteria:

  • Consent is active, not passive, implied or assumed.  Silence is not consent; the absence of “no” does not mean “yes”.  Only overt agreement is consent.
  • Consent must be meaningful.  A person can say yes and mean no; a person can say yes and not be able to legally consent.  In these situations any consent given is not meaningful.
  • Consent should be informed.  All parties engaging in sexual behavior should be aware of what will and will not occur and any potential risk related to those activities.

I encourage everyone to aim for enthusiastic consent, this means that you and your partner(s) are aware and actively, enthusiastically agree to engage in sexual behavior at every step in the process.

Limitations to Consent

The following limit consent, meaning that even if someone agrees to engage in a behavior, that consent is not meaningful.

  • People below the age of consent cannot agree to participate in sexual activity including kink.  The age of consent and other laws dictating statutory rape (sexual activity with a person under the age of consent) vary from state to state.  Learn the laws in your area as well as any place where you intend to travel.
  • A person cannot consent if they are under the influence of drugs; this includes alcohol, street drugs or prescription drugs that impair a person’s ability to make decisions.  An easy guideline to follow is that if a person can’t drive, then they can’t consent.
  • Unconscious, comatose, and sleeping people cannot consent.
  • Consent cannot be given when a person is under duress, coerced or manipulated.  For example, implied or explicit threats are coercive.  Sexual behavior in the context of certain relationships such as doctor/patient, teacher/student, or supervisor/supervisee often fall in this category.
  • Individuals with certain impairments cannot consent.  This means that if a person’s state of being limits their ability to understand what they are consenting to, then they cannot consent.  This includes people who are senile or severely developmentally impaired.

There is much more to know about consent, so stay tuned!

It’s Safety Sunday.  Be safe! Have fun!

Smart is Sexy Saturday: Fiction

"Now, sometimes, using fiction as a guide is helpful! It’s probable that our earliest storytellers told stories to communicate fears and beliefs and to teach the “right” way to do things according to what went on before, or what people believed went on before. So, cautionary tales and heroic epics both serve to warn and inspire; to provide a sense of stability and continuity. In small, insular communities, stories serve the primary purpose of alerting us that we are not alone; they give us a link complete with codes to recognize each other."

"But mostly, living your life according to fiction is a bad idea.

- Laura Antoniou, Still Unsafe, But Making Good Time Presented at South Plains Leatherfest, February 27, 2005